What did I ever see in him?

                                  Is he thoughtful? No he's not.
                                            Am I crazy?
                    What's he got that I found so damned appealing?
          From the musical "Bye Bye Birdie"- What did I ever see in him?

Every year I find that ONE character that I can relate to.
Last year it was Eponine; This year it's Rosie Alvarez.
Of course it's always the Alto.

I'm so sick of this. I should be absolutely thrilled that he's single once more but I can't help but still feel betrayed, guilty and so very single. It seems like literally everyone has someone except for me.
He keeps trying to make her jealous but it's just making me furiously jealous.

What the HELL is wrong with you? If you opened your eyes long enough to realize that I've been here all along then maybe you might actually... Find someone. I'm sick of you being on my mind every second and I'm sick of you only needing me when you have a problem elsewhere.
If you don't go away to college there is absolutely no justice in the world.

Bros-before-Hoes No's More.

                             So goodnight moon and goodnight you,
                                 When you're all that I think about ,
                                          All that I dream about,
                                  How'd I ever breathe without?
                                   Go Radio- Goodnight Moon

It's official, my life was able to get worse.
How long can I honestly keep this up? The person I like and one of my best friends both coming to me and telling me how much they like each other. One telling me although she knows I still like him, she's going to go out with him anyway, and the other suprised when I wasn't too keen when he revealed it to me.
 It's only a matter of time before they start going out, and only 4 people know how truly crushed I am.

I thought friends weren't supposed to do this to each other? Honestly, this would be the last thing I'd ever do to a friend. It's painful and torturous. Something I wouldn't wish on anyone.

How can you let one of your best friends go out with the person of your dreams, and do it with a smile, just to keep 2 out of 3 people happy instead of 3 out of 3 miserable?

I guess even I suprise myself sometimes, although I wish this wasn't one of the times I had to.

How can I even bare to look at you tomorrow?

                       You're all that I'd hope I'd find,
                              In every single way;
                 And this'll be the first time in a week,
                 That I'll talk to you and I can't speak.
                  Mayday Parade- Miserable At Best


That awkward moment when you just hate everyone.

My God, I'm honestly done with high school.
And I'm just done with thinking people are my friends when they're really not.

"I'm sorry I really like the person you like and that I'm going after him. And I'm sorry that he probably likes me, and that other of our friends are all conspiring together o get us to go out. I feel bad, should I stop?"

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I can't even tell them both how I feel because I'll lose one of them for sure. I just have to suck it up and pretend like it's not killing me inside. This is one of the hardest things I've EVER had to do. Not even being an exaggerating teenage girl, it's literally eating at me.

And to you Mr. Boy: Do you know how much I've done for you? Been there when you were depressed, during the relationship of your Ex, been there when you confessed you liked my best friend and asked for me to set you up and all of the countless other things. I can't even bare to look at you without feeling heartbroken and utterly furious.

I'm done in the truest sense of the word and absolutely NO ONE understands/ is there to help me.

Theme of the day: Telephones.

           You should have made some plans with me,
                      You knew that I was free,
               And now you won't stop callin' me,
                            I'm kinda busy.
                     Lady Gaga- Telephone

The first two lines are a little bit irrelevant to my day, but the last two lines are DEFINITELY my day today. ...And for the past few weeks.

1) Maybe I've started being "annoying" with the texts I've started sending to them. I don't think so, but lately when they don't reply, it feels that way. It's not like I'm being an "annoying", lonely, creepy stalker that constantly calls though...
SEGUEEEEEE.

2) OhMyGod. Stop. Calling. Me. Every. Day. Twice. A. Day.
It's so annoying, I'm busy. I have SO much homework. I'm sick. I'm stressed. Now I'm over using periods. THIS IS WHAT YOU'RE DOING TO ME.

Oh dearest blog that I'd probably be in major trouble if anyone found, thanks for letting me vent and not calling me x34698575673 a day in return.

I can haz companion?

                                    Every so often, we long to steal,
                               To the land of what "Might-Have-Been",
                                But that doesn't soften the ache we feel,
                                         When reality sets back in;
                               He could be that boy, but I'm not that girl.
                           From the musical "Wicked"- I'm Not That Girl

I'm sick of feeling selfish because I hate seeing them together. Honestly, what the hell did I do to deserve constantly feeling lonely and betrayed? That sounds so pathetic, but it's true. It's easy to say that there's nothing wrong with you to have never dated someone in your life, right now a Sophomore in high school, and I firmly beleive that's true, but it's becoming less firm, and harder to listen to when you see happy couples in the hallway and read books where the dork finds someone regardless.
...When is it my turn?
It doesn't have to be him, I'd almost prefer it didn't since it feels like he's always after one of my friends, but I want someone.
Or for time to magically go threeish years in the future so I can finally go to college. <3
That actually sounds better.
Since the time thing is probably not going to happen over night, right now I'll settle for her backing off and realizing that some things never actually change, even if you lie and say they have.
I just need time to actually decipher my feeings and to not feel like I have friends that would sell me down the river in a minute because they feel the same "must-have-boyfriend" craze that is always lurking in high school, and my inner mind. Bahhh.

Procrastinating reading about the Holocaust.

                                  "You've got the talkin' down,
                                      Just not the listening...
                       Who cares if you disagree, you are not me.
                             Who made you King of anything?"
                             Sara Bareilles- King Of Anything

I'm not a big fan of Music Theory.
 It's not because I'm BAD at it, I'm actually pretty able to understand it, it's because I see no true point to continuing with it. I wanted to be a music major, sure, but now I'd rather go a different route in life. Whether it be science, english or some kind of human studies thing.
Then again, my mom's right. I change my mind quite a lot.
 I went from wanting to be a Singer, to a Vet, to an Anthropologist, to a Marine Biologist, to a Music Teacher, to an English Teacher, to a Novelist, to a Psychiatrist, to an undecided teenager.
That doesn't mean I'm backing down however.
Or that I'm never taking Music Theory 2.
I want to, but in my senior year.
I wish my mom would actually understand that rather than making me feel extremely guilty.

Back to writing. Yay!

Man I Really Think We Cut Mergtt- Anagrams and Blogging.

                                                             I'm sick of Waiting and,
                                                        I want some answers right now.
                                                           -The Oceanic Six- Dude.

Oh hai new blog! If you're reading this, and you're not some form of me, I'm going to have to ask you to leave. It's nothing personal, love! I want something that I can keep for myself, and I suck at keeping a written diary, so maybe a digital one will help. I want to be able to look back on something in 5-10 years, or even a couple of months and think 1) "Ohmygosh. Look how stupid I was..." and 2) "Look how much I've changed."
I really love anagrams. As stupid as it sounds, I think they can explain a lot. For example, I can't get one name off my mind. It's been there since last February, and although I keep lying to myself about why, anagramming it with mine, kind of helped. The first five words (yes I'm counting 'I') told a story. "Man I really think we". We... What? The last two words are pretty depressing, but that actually fits in with reality. We'll never be more than friends. We'll always be flirting, we'll always be cutesy, but we'll always be just friends.
                                                       And... I think I'm OK with that.